*JOURNAL* A Day Worth Living

Well today is Valentine's Day, it was seriously astounding. I made 17 valentine cards, but 7 people I bought a bag for and put a chocolate love bar and candies and blah blah in. These were for my special people. My special people are Chantz, Rafael, Kyle, Micheal, Jennifer, Tara and Ashley. I gave Chantz his Valentine first. I probably spent most of my time of his, which is to be expected. He got me a box of chocolates and a card he made with a poem. It was so sweet! I love him ^_^ Seriously. I went to science class and gave Micheal his thingy. I stuck his and Jennifer's stuff in hot pink, flowery bags. <3 I gave Tara's bag to her and she gave me a note saying "STAY SMART" with some Smarties attached. Micheal gave me a box of candy hearts. In English I gave L to the Buddy his stuff. He gave me a box of chocolates and a card ^_^ I gave JenJen her thingy. Maggie gave me a rose. During lunch I handed out my Valentine's , or at least as many as I could find the people for. By math class I had a rather large pile of candy, people commented on it haha. I gave Kyle his stuff during lunch along with my box of chocolates from loser-buddy, I feel so cruddy. I wonder if our relationship is now muddy? Oh what wilst I do without thine buddy? ANYWAYS, my day went on great and stuff. Chantz gave me a stuffed animal, a weiner dog saying "I LOVE THIS MUCH" on it's side, it has a typo since it is supposed to say "I love you this much". But I adore it either way. We named it Jemaldo. Thanks to Kyle. We named him Jemaldina. Tehe. *snort* So me Chantz, Kyle, Kyle, Mark, Katie and I all walked to the library for teen territory. It was Anti-Valentine's day there. We broke open a pinata and made cookies that were hearts broken in half and frosted them with gray and black and white frosting. It was perty dern awesome if I do say so myself. Chelsea jacked my money when we were leaving though. Chantz walked me home and we hung out there. I kissed him for the first time, on the lips that is, it was stunning haha. And no, I didn't make out with him and no we're not dating. Get it through your messed up minds people. Then I went to Bend with me Mother. We ate out at Izzy's, me and Jordan texted each other, she had her very first kiss!!! She kissed Tyler after 8 months of dating, she said it was worth it, and no she didn't make out with him. Jordan and I crowned 148 our new favorite number. My Mother bought me a dress for Valentine's day, it was black and white and red and it was long and nice. A day worth living if you ask me.
148!!

*JOURNAL* Love is Sticky

Well I went to my classes as usual. Micheal was in class today :D It was pretty awesome. I still had all my Valentines to make!! I had to make 17. English class was pretty awesome, we're doing Romeo and Juliet so we watched Act 1. It was pretty amusing, Loser-Buddy and I hugn onto each other and criticized their speech. Romeo is pathetic!! Wow. What a loser. Anyways! Lunch was.. lunchish? Of but of course! We had a test in Math I believe. In Drawing and Painting Joshua and I pick on each other, today he was sticking the glue stick to the back of my neck >_< Oh well, for the past 2 days I'd been pouring glue all over his arms and face ^o^ I told Anthony I loved him for the first time ever, to see how he'd react. He was uberly weirded out. Haha! Then I went home, tended to Ukiyo and cleaned my room a bit more. It was about 8 when I realized that I needed chocolates!! I was so busy working on my Valentines I forgot the rest! Luckily Grandmother ran to Wal-Mart for me <3 Yay ^_^ I was up til about 11:40 finishing them! Tomorrow I will wear my hideous pink hearty shirt. EWW.

*JOURNAL* Worms and Buses

Well I can honestly say that nothing significant happened yesterday.. that I can remember at least. Today was pretty uneventful too. Yesterday Tara was absent. Yesterday and today Micheal was in ISS. Haha. Poor sucker. Wonder what he did this time :D English is always my favorite subject. I get to see my Loser-Buddy, and Jennifer and Paco too. I love Jennifer, for serious. I am sure I still annoy or creep her out but I am very fond of her. I think she's very pretty too and I can't believe she thinks she's fat D: She's worse than me :] Lunch was okay? I sit in McDonnell's room every day usually. Chantz joins me and now Midget is starting to. Math class is okay, I sit by Lauren and Summer, they're cool, but I bet you I creep them out or annoy them. I am always eating something and I see them eye it hungrily o_o Drawing and Painting of course is cool because I have it with Joshua and Anthony. It was my last day to work on my pastel project so I have to do it at home :[ Anyways, after school Kyle found a big, long worm and was throwing it on me and other people. I had the bad urge to chuck it in the buses. :] But Kyle missed the bus D: So I took it with me ont he walk home but decided not to throw it on a bus :/ It doesn't deserve that. Chantz was supposed to come to my house that day and we'd hang but he had to practice a duet with this girl so he stayed at the school. But when I got home he came by shortly after saying she bailed on him. We hung out and it was amazing.

*JOURNAL* Tastes Like Salt

Well I stayed at Mother's house again today. No modivation to get up early and go home. I got up around.. No-clue-o-clock A.M. I attempted to make my very first cheese and mushroom egg omelette today.. I screwed it up!!!! I even took a picture of it before I ate it, yes I ate it. It looked super weird but it was edible. Just like the crap-cakes I made with Krystina over Summer Break. And then I got online again and scoured the internet for some good games to play. I like Simulation games, something that is relatively realistic, not just gore and fighting. I'm sick of the sim dating games too. I found Human-Age [link to it on the left of my journal entries] and it's quite interesting. You travel through the centuries, starting in the Caveman Age and ending in the 21st century Age. They only opened the site a year ago, February 2007, so they have only completed Ages 1-3. Anyways, I am currently a cavewoman and I blew all my money, goat kneecaps are the currency. My login name is xCaterpillarx, so if you register, put me as your sponser please. It's interesting, but not quite what you'd expect. Then when I had to get off I played with Erika using her play-doh. I was taunting her and grabbed her creation from her and sunk my teeth in it, expecting that once I opened my mouth it would only be an imprint, but nope, I hate a glob of salty goo stuck in my mouth, I pulled it out but chunks were stuck to my teeth, I brushed my teeth repeatedly. Ughhh. It was not lovely. And then, after getting back online for a while, we went to the Coldstone Creamery to get some ice crea, obviously. I always get Cheesecake ice cream with white chocolate chips in it. Quite delectable if you ask me. I absolutely love how creamy and smooth the ice cream is. I would love to go there for a date.

*JOURNAL* A Lazy Day-zy

Well today I pretty much stayed at my Mother's house, I didn't feel in the mood to get up at 7:30 and go to Redmond. I slept til noon pretty much, waking up every now and then. But then I decided to get up finally. I had wicked weird dreams.. Haha. Wow. Anyways, I had Cream of Wheat for breakfast while on the phone with Chantz, he has never heard of that type of food. He said I have to save some for him. But I didn't. Whoopsie. Then I got on the computer after watching Eragon, or at least part of it, with Erika. Then I played around with my sites and worked on making a new Quizilla!, I'll add the link to that as well once I finish this blog. Then I messed around on MySpace and talked to Lester, he's really sweet and understanding. I'm glad we're friends. He can relate with me on a lot of things. Then I had to get off and play with my sister. We played Memory and watched Courage the Cowardly Dog after we watched Sponebob Squarepants. We also played Hide-and-Seek but she sucks at hiding because she either talks or moves. I can also detect where she is with my ears. Curse my strong sense of location! I think I'd be okay without sight, not my choice of lifstyle but I can see with my mind quite well. We finished up after over an hour of playing and I got on the computer again and worked on my Quizilla homepage a little and then I wrote this blog. Pretty much a Lazy Day I'd say.

*JOURNAL* Another Day, Another Drama

I woke up around 7:30 like usual so I could go back to Redmond with my Grandmother. Chantz called me around 8:03 when we got back to Redmond but still in the car. We talked for a bit and then I hung up. Then my troubles started.. again. My Grandmother said that Chantz likes me and she isn't stupid, I commented that why the hell does it matter who likes who, it's just emotion. I can understand where she's coming from though, she is worried I'll repeat my Nathan incident or such. But I won't. I eliminated all the bad influences or bad people in my life and surrounded myself with positive, healthy people. But in any case Chantz is my best friend. We went home and I slept. I slept past when I homed to get up, at 8. But I got up around 12:30. I rushed into my Grandmother's room, I forgot about conferences at the school! I found my Grandmother awake on her bed, a tired and aggravated look in her eyes, she was sitting slightly hunched looking at her phone. She complained that Russ had been calling her all morning. I sat on her bed, thoughtful. I knew she was going through a hard time so I thought I could do her a favor and turn the sound and vibration off, so I took the phone from her hands. I didn't snatch it away of course, she let me take it. Then she snapped at me and said she was capable of turning it off herself and began rnating. I ran off to my room, pride hurt. I am constantly called selfish by my family yet they seem to know nothing of the matter. I am not selfish, of course I wouldn't callmyself selfless but I am very considerate. Most all my actions are for the benefit of others yet no one sees that. I can't explain these situations but it's always for others. No one gets it. I don't know why. But it kills me, literally, to be percieved as something I am completely not. And I';m not just going off the hook here and trying to be a heroine or anything. I could care less about what people percieve me as, as long as it's true. I am about honesty and it kills me that people scoff at that. I am honest, but lately I've wondered if that's bad or good, being honest is good because people can trust me and know I'm true, but maybe I'm too honest and brutal and offend people? I am also brave and fearless in most situations, but that can also make me fierce and headstrong, snappy and violent. I am trustworthy, I can relate or help almost anyone, but I feel as if I am too trusting and I keep getting hurt. It seems everything in life is equally bad and good, we just have to choose what is worth what. Anyways, I was very hurt and sat in my room crying to myself until my Grandmother came in and asked whn the movie started, I said around 3:30 and she asked who was going. I still had to call them I said. She left and I called people. Jordan didn't pick up her phone til the 3rd time I called when she had just walked through the door. Then she said Tyler was over and she'd call back later and huing up, she didn't call back. I called Maggie but she was at Tabitha's house. I called Tyanne and we talked but then she said she was grounded and couldn't go, I began to sound a bit upset or irratated on the phone. I'm just sick that this always happens, she is either hanging out with someone else or just doesn't want to leave the house, yeah, avoiding much? Then I got pissed off because she said if I was gonna sound like that then she didn't want to talk to me and hung up. WHAT THE HELL. I thought I actually meant something to her, my bad. Another person who ground me in the dirt. That's 3 so far. Jordan, Brianna, and now Tyanne. But me and Jordan made up. I don't know about Brianna nd Tyanne though. Although I'm still affected by the stuff Jordan said about me. I tried calling Rafael butI hung up right before it rang. Nervous, much? Haha. I'm phone-shy sometimes. Anyways I told my Grandmother Chantz was the only one could attend, she said she didn't like that and I broke down. She doesn't like the fact Chantz and I hang out a lot. So what? Chantz is my best friend yet just because he is a GUY I am not allowed to go places. That is FREAKING MESSED UP. After bawling and calling Chantz saying I couldn't go and hanging up and turning off my phone my Grandmother comes in saying Chantz called her to talk. Then she says she didn't say I couldn't go and blah blah and tells me she'll take me but I better get my butt ready because we had to leave in 20 minutes in order to get money and get dropped off. I called Rafael finally with courage and asked if he could go, I'd love it if my Loser-Buddy came! But he had to babysit, AWW DARN!!! D: Anyways, I promised that next time I wanted to go to the movies I'd plan it around Rafael's schedule <3. I went to the theatre and Chantz paid for my ticket and his and I paid for the snacks. We had a ton of fun, the movie was good. We saw The Eye. It was quite good. Chantz was a pansy and I only jumped once. Haha good times. There was barely anyone in the theatre, maybe 12 people? Then I came home and got ready to go to Mother's house. We ate Taco Bell on the way. Then I got here and wrote this while trying on my Mother's clothes that Erika kept bringing in. No clue how I'll spend tomorrow.

*JOURNAL* Clock Sick

I went to school today. I am not the same. I am not that happy person, I am not hyper. I am thoughtful, dark, and hurt. And I'm happy because of that. I am happy because for now, I am not my multiple people. I am one person. With constant likes and dislikes. One style, one feeling. One person. I am calm and serene yet pained. But that's good enough for me. Anyways, in school I only cracked a smile every now and then. Around my friends. You know you're a true friend of mine if I have to fight a smile every time I see you. I have decided not to eliminate all my firends, but keep only my close ones. Everyone just.. fades. But then again I have all these friends that I am not super close with, that I just hang out with.. But I don't want to lose them.. Kayla and Jennifer and Koren I care about, although we're not close and whatever.. I care. I am particularly fond of Jennifer. We have English together, we make each other laugh, even when I try not to. She constantly stabs me with her pencil. Then again I'm always poking Loser Buddy ^_^ In Science I was bombarded by James and a barrage of questions. I ignored him best I could. In English I ate some of my friends Gummy Bears, a tradition. And we listen to the librarian talk about Pete Hautman's books. I am very interested in his work. During lunch I just retreated to the math room as always, waiting for Chantz to show up and accompany me like he often does.. The group is breaking up, we predicted it, just a matter of time. Time. Oh how I loathe it. I'm sick of time, Being timed. Having to rush, to hurry, to stress over my work. I can't take it. Anyways, my time went on uneventful that day suring school. I saw the school councelor during the end of fifth period that day, we talked for about 45 minutes. I watched my friends outside the window, not knowing where I was. No library I guess. I always go to the library on thursday. But not today. I went home and my Grandmother said Chantz had stopped by looking for me, she had gotten worried. Anyways, she had to go shopping and Tyler and Chantz called, asking if I wanted to meet them at Starbucks, we hung out and headed back to my house. I showed them Ukiyo. Then we went to my Mother's house. There is no school tomorrow so me and Chantz want to make plans. We want to go to the movies. I haven't seen there in a while. I am super excited.

*JOURNAL* Toxic Thoughts

I am writing about yesterday and today.
YESTERDAY was rather uneventful.. In the beginning. I went to school people liked my hair, blah. My classes were fine. Then I went home and things got out of hand. I was sitting in my room, thinking. I started thinking about how much I hate myself. Then I started getting angry. So I turned off the light, put on music and lit a candle. It slightly worked but my evil began setting in. My "Evil" is a state of mind in which I get undoubtabley violent and have the impulse to hurt. I wrote curses and insults to me on my mirror in my red lipstick. I contemplated suicide. My hatred for myself. I knew this evil that lived in me would hurt, it's inevitable. So I knew I had to kill it, kill myself. My evil sparks a burning hatred for myself that is forever undying. Anyways, then I took the mouse doomed to be eaten by my snake Shinka and attempted to drown it. But.. I couldn't.. The mouse did nothing to me and I have no reason to hurt it.. That little fact penetrated my Evil and I had the mere chance to stop myself before falling prey to it. I walked into my Grandmother's room and sat on her bed. I was in a very tender state of mind. She could tell I wanted to talk but no words were said by me. So she brought up my life and all these stupid things she disproved of that were my business. So I got angry and couldn't take it so I grabbed myleatherman and my coat, slipped on my boots and left. I walked around town and to the other side. I texted all my friends to never speak to me again. I needed their hatred, it fueled me. Brianna got in a fight with me and started insulting and cursing me out. That did it. I was set on my death from then on. I walked all over town, hiding from cars and texting everyone in fights. I went to Chantz's house later after he finally got home, we cried for so long on his lawn. He felt there was something he could do to stop me, but there wasn't. Chantz is amazing and there isn't a thing he hasn't or wouldn't do for me. He makes me happy or at least unsuicidal. Eventually I had to leave and Maggie had called crying so I promised to visit her, she had run out of the house to find me. She was crying her eyes out which slightly confused me, I mean although we're friends and everything, we don't talk much. Her and Krystina both say that they consider me one of their best friends but we really don't even talk ever. Anyways Maggie insisted I go home with her and I did, her Father was asleep but she took me down to the basement to talk to her Mother. Her Mother welcomed me ina nd asked what was going on and if I needed anything. Very mellow and understanding woman. Anyways she asked if my Grandmother knew my location, I said no, not yet. So I went to Maggie's room and phoned my Grandmother, in which she proceeded to yell at me. Perfect. Cause yelling is JUST what I need. I honestly don't get it, if I took the liberty to let my Guardian know where I am, I should get thanked and they should be happy I'm back, not scream and yell, that just makes me want to run away again and NOT tell them where I am or go. Anyways she brought me home and in the car I refused to talk until finally I interrupted her rambling and yelling with a threat to slit her throat if she didn't shut up. This terrified her and she took me to the local mental hospital. I was asked questions by 3 different people, in which I calmly explained the situation to. My evil had ended and I was fine, but I'm always patient around high authorities. I was then reffered to my old mental clinic in Bend to get a therapist again and consider meds.

TODAY I missed school because I was unstable and blah blah and around 11 we went to the clinic and chatted with people and I got to see my latest councelor Jennifer Weatherman, I like her. I've known her for a bit less than a year. She seems understanding and sees me as very insightful. We talked for 15 minutes before having to go. We talked about trying out meds for me. But we also talked about having me live at one of those mental hospital places. Like a foster home for the crazy or something. I don't know. But the only ones were in Portland or Salem and they weren't good for my health I guess. But my Grandmother seems pretty set on moving to Sunriver, which might not be so bad.. I mean it's out of town so I could have my cat back, awesome. But I'd have to get rid of my snake, which doesn't bother me entirely because I was already pondering on that. I'd also get to work at Goodie's there. I really want a job. Anyways. We got home right before school was out so I went there to get my late work and see people.. Actually I was nervous and walked around covering my face.. But Maggie saw me.. Then Tyanne did and Chantz came. Then a I had a crowd before I knew it. There was tears and sadness and relief, they all thought I'd be dead by then.. I did too. It really touched me to see their tears. Tears mean love. And care. Something unusual for me to see. Despite what people say about me having a great life. My day was pretty bland after that. I came home and looked at my mouse. It was special. I couldn't kill it, it meant life to me. In some unknown way I am bonded to it. I want to keep it. I named it Ukiyo, japanese for Sad World, and Life.

-JOURNAL- Up Late Pondering

Yes it's past midnight and I'm supposed to be sleeping on the couch, not awake on the computer. But I am excited for some reason, I feel it in my gut. My mind is racing, I have so many things I'm thinking about. School, love, friends, death, sleep, vampires, Valentine's Day, money, and where the hell my necklace is. I was in the Dalles all weekend with my friend Brianna, I got to meet her soon-to-be family. I knew Rob. I met Matthew, apparently I'm his girlfriend now, oh great I'm dating a 6-year-old! I met Lance, he's an ass but everyone knows that. I met Lester, he's a sweety but by far the most immature man I've laid eyes on. I met a couple ladies but they didn't pike any interest for me. I met the boogey man, he looked like Santa Claus. And on my last night there I met Brad. He smells good.. I also like to rub his stubble on his chin. He seems like a decent guy and he has manners, but he's too loved, I have to be careful. I missed school today because we only got back to my house after school was out. My Grandmother works 3 nights a week and so I go to my Mom's house. Only place I can get on the computer. I have a computer at home but we don't have the money for internet. I have a library card but *someone* caused me $165.80 of fines on my card!! BRIANNA!!!!! I am so not paying for that!! I am busy feeling my bare neck, I chopped my hair off on Friday, a few days ago. It's shorter than my chin but below my ears. I cut my hair when I'm pissed. Pretty soon I'll be bald, heh. My hair is a nice dirty blonde that appears brown, it matches my slightly tanned skin and hazel eyes, giving me a neutral, earthy look. I don't look good in anything other than green, brown, or red. But I love black. I can't wait for school tomorrow, I love school. It gets me away from home and I love my teachers, the work, and actually my friends are the part that suck. I'm currently a Freshman and I go to RHS, Hartman Campus. It's pretty awesome. I don't go to first period though, I need my sleep or I get rather emotional and unstable. So I am going to take two trimesters of Geography online, but I haven't even started yet because of no computer internet!!! I am passing most of my classes, except the easiest class ever and my passion; Drawing and Painting!! This is because I have a lot of trouble with turning my crap in.. Yeah. Love is on my mind because I dispise and loathe it, it's poisen and I try everything in my power not to fall prey to it. I've been screwed over too often, by friends, guys, people, passions. But I always give love another chance.. and get screwed again. But oh well, good thing pain is something I enjoy, cause I can never escape it. I'm really focused on my friends and my "friends". I am honestly and truely confused about who I am and I act different depending on many things; location, company, sounds, events, etc. And I don't like it. I want to be one person. And because I am many things, I get along with everyone. I don't want to. I hang out with bad people that make me do bad things. I hang out with traitors who backstab me. I hang out with liars who don't give a damn. I want to hang out with a select group of people who know me and everything about me and will be there.. for real.. I am actually tearing up because I'm thinking about my best friend ever Tyanne. I love her more than the world and the moon. I'd give my life for her happiness. She means so much to me. She is who I call crying, she is who I visit. She is my everything.. Or was. Now.. We never even talk.. She never calls, in the hallways she avoids my glances and doesn't return my "hi's", she is avoiding me and it is killing me so deeply. Even if she doesn't love me any longer, I love her, and I won't leave. I told her I wouldn't and that is one thing I never plan to break. I'm thinking about Valentine's Day because I have work to do. I'm making all my cards and at first I was making over 30 because of all my friends, but even when I decide on only giving them to my close friends it still comes to twenty. I get too close to easily. I want only a few great friends. Not many okay ones. And I am honestly wondering where my necklace is..... I've got it 10 years ago, and found it a few weeks ago and wore it everyday. It is a metal hand with marble in the middle and it hangs on a string of rope. It is intriguing and unique and many people ask me where I got it.. But it also has the tendancy to fall off.. Which is what it did. I cannot find it, it may be at my house or Mother's.. I hope. I also bounced and skipped around town that day with Brianna and a couple others. I hope like hell it didn't fall.... Oh please, I want it back.. Well I'm going to go try to get to sleep. I'll post when I get a chance again.

-BLOG- Another Ill-fated Dedication

Well I have made another blog, my 4th or 5th one I believe. I have never suceeded in keeping one. I also have made a couple journals that I didn't keep as well. My journals I usually forget at home, and I leave a lot. It's hard to keep a blog because I have internet access only thrice a week. But I will try my best to keep this one. I am going to use it to keep track of what I do each day, organize my thoughts and emotions, and document my theories and opinions. This blog is my public diary, I will hide nothing and I will be brutally honest and open. If you don't like what I say, screw you, you don't have to read it. I am going to do my best to keep this though. I promise... I can't do better than my best, you know? I am going to have different types of entries, I'll have my -THEORY- or -OPINION- where I am documenting a thought or view of something. I'll have my -JOURNAL- that talks about what I did recently or plan to do. I'll have my -INFO- where I am stating something about me. I'll have my -ISSUE- which are saying something I am dealing with or working on. I'll have my -OBSERVATION- which are me talking about what I've noticed. And I'll have my -BLOG-, which is just.. stuff.