*JOURNAL* Toxic Thoughts

I am writing about yesterday and today.
YESTERDAY was rather uneventful.. In the beginning. I went to school people liked my hair, blah. My classes were fine. Then I went home and things got out of hand. I was sitting in my room, thinking. I started thinking about how much I hate myself. Then I started getting angry. So I turned off the light, put on music and lit a candle. It slightly worked but my evil began setting in. My "Evil" is a state of mind in which I get undoubtabley violent and have the impulse to hurt. I wrote curses and insults to me on my mirror in my red lipstick. I contemplated suicide. My hatred for myself. I knew this evil that lived in me would hurt, it's inevitable. So I knew I had to kill it, kill myself. My evil sparks a burning hatred for myself that is forever undying. Anyways, then I took the mouse doomed to be eaten by my snake Shinka and attempted to drown it. But.. I couldn't.. The mouse did nothing to me and I have no reason to hurt it.. That little fact penetrated my Evil and I had the mere chance to stop myself before falling prey to it. I walked into my Grandmother's room and sat on her bed. I was in a very tender state of mind. She could tell I wanted to talk but no words were said by me. So she brought up my life and all these stupid things she disproved of that were my business. So I got angry and couldn't take it so I grabbed myleatherman and my coat, slipped on my boots and left. I walked around town and to the other side. I texted all my friends to never speak to me again. I needed their hatred, it fueled me. Brianna got in a fight with me and started insulting and cursing me out. That did it. I was set on my death from then on. I walked all over town, hiding from cars and texting everyone in fights. I went to Chantz's house later after he finally got home, we cried for so long on his lawn. He felt there was something he could do to stop me, but there wasn't. Chantz is amazing and there isn't a thing he hasn't or wouldn't do for me. He makes me happy or at least unsuicidal. Eventually I had to leave and Maggie had called crying so I promised to visit her, she had run out of the house to find me. She was crying her eyes out which slightly confused me, I mean although we're friends and everything, we don't talk much. Her and Krystina both say that they consider me one of their best friends but we really don't even talk ever. Anyways Maggie insisted I go home with her and I did, her Father was asleep but she took me down to the basement to talk to her Mother. Her Mother welcomed me ina nd asked what was going on and if I needed anything. Very mellow and understanding woman. Anyways she asked if my Grandmother knew my location, I said no, not yet. So I went to Maggie's room and phoned my Grandmother, in which she proceeded to yell at me. Perfect. Cause yelling is JUST what I need. I honestly don't get it, if I took the liberty to let my Guardian know where I am, I should get thanked and they should be happy I'm back, not scream and yell, that just makes me want to run away again and NOT tell them where I am or go. Anyways she brought me home and in the car I refused to talk until finally I interrupted her rambling and yelling with a threat to slit her throat if she didn't shut up. This terrified her and she took me to the local mental hospital. I was asked questions by 3 different people, in which I calmly explained the situation to. My evil had ended and I was fine, but I'm always patient around high authorities. I was then reffered to my old mental clinic in Bend to get a therapist again and consider meds.

TODAY I missed school because I was unstable and blah blah and around 11 we went to the clinic and chatted with people and I got to see my latest councelor Jennifer Weatherman, I like her. I've known her for a bit less than a year. She seems understanding and sees me as very insightful. We talked for 15 minutes before having to go. We talked about trying out meds for me. But we also talked about having me live at one of those mental hospital places. Like a foster home for the crazy or something. I don't know. But the only ones were in Portland or Salem and they weren't good for my health I guess. But my Grandmother seems pretty set on moving to Sunriver, which might not be so bad.. I mean it's out of town so I could have my cat back, awesome. But I'd have to get rid of my snake, which doesn't bother me entirely because I was already pondering on that. I'd also get to work at Goodie's there. I really want a job. Anyways. We got home right before school was out so I went there to get my late work and see people.. Actually I was nervous and walked around covering my face.. But Maggie saw me.. Then Tyanne did and Chantz came. Then a I had a crowd before I knew it. There was tears and sadness and relief, they all thought I'd be dead by then.. I did too. It really touched me to see their tears. Tears mean love. And care. Something unusual for me to see. Despite what people say about me having a great life. My day was pretty bland after that. I came home and looked at my mouse. It was special. I couldn't kill it, it meant life to me. In some unknown way I am bonded to it. I want to keep it. I named it Ukiyo, japanese for Sad World, and Life.